


My Favorite What If

by dizzylizzymiss



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Romance, F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26696107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzylizzymiss/pseuds/dizzylizzymiss
Summary: Young love [n]: "A relationship that has not yet faced any challenges and therefore has not matured into a deeper stage." Donna and Harvey went from young lovers to strangers within one lost heartbeat.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt by Jane (aSnackForAlways):  
> WHAT IF Harvey and Donna were HS sweethearts and Donna fell pregnant only to miscarry.. years later they're at the firm and Rachel notices the weirdly sad Darvey.. asks what happened.. they tell them(mike too)
> 
> This is by far the hardest fic I'll ever write.  
> The first time I decided I wanted to tackle this subject was when Jane submitted this prompt for Darvey valentine. Yes that long ago...  
> She then submitted the lyrics of small bump for the darvey virus writing challenge. Guess she really wanted a fic about this subject huh?  
> Although the small bump lyrics are definitely about the same subject it didn't fit the AU outline she prompted earlier 100% so I suggested changing them to Winterbear. I'm glad it got her approval.  
> Many many thanks to my beta Stefanie. Her support encouraged me to keep writing this difficult story but to take as much time as it needed to pen it down.  
> This will be the most personal a fic will ever get for me. That's hella scary but I knew I would be able to do the subject justice.  
> For everyone who has suffered the same kind of loss or more:  
> Suffering a loss will undoubtedly leave a scar. The thing about scars is that they never leave you. Eventually they become less sensitive and often they will fade, but they're always there. Whether it is a scar on the outside of your body, the inside of your body or a scar on the soul, it will always be there.  
> The scars of your life matter. One time they were open wounds, deep enough to leave their mark, painful enough to change you. Don't be afraid to share the story they tell.

Rachel pounced on Donna when the secretary stepped off the elevator. The paralegal is practically bursting with excitement when she falls into step with her friend.

"What's got you all bouncy so early in the morning?" Donna raised her eyebrows at her friend.

"Someone has got a secret admirer." Rachel couldn't suppress a giggle.

For a second Donna let herself get swept away with her friend's enthusiasm and smiled.

But when they rounded the corner and her desk came into view, her smile faltered.

On her desk was a vase full of yellow gerbera daisies. She didn't need to count them to know there would be 21 flowers in the bouquet.

"Soooo, is there a card?" Rachel followed Donna to her cubicle and clapped her hands excitedly.

"Rachel, as you can see Harvey is already here. I need to start the day."

Donna fired up her computer and moved the flowers to the end of her desk.

Rachel glanced into Harvey's office and sure enough, he was already there bent over some paperwork. Seemingly oblivious to the commotion outside his office.

"Just tell me what's on the card, then I'll leave," Rachel tried again.

"There is no card alright?! Can you now let me get to work? I have no time for your Valentine's chit chat," Donna exploded.

Rachel's face fell and before Donna could apologize, she had turned around and walked away.

Donna growled, annoyed with herself and the world, and was about to smash her stapler through her screen when Harvey appeared in front of her.

He grabbed her arm and pried the object out of her hands.

"Step away from the stapler."

Donna glared at him.

"I could use your head instead."

"I have some meetings with Louis. You might want to let me do those first. Otherwise, you'll have to deal with his nagging too. But after 4 pm I'm all yours," Harvey offered.

His eyes had a piercing gaze and it would have made Donna feel uncomfortable if they hadn't radiated warmth as well. One she didn't get to see too often anymore.

She slumped back in her chair.

"Come on, let's grab a coffee downstairs," Harvey said softly.

The redhead reluctantly got up and let him stir her down the hallway towards the elevators.

…..

A few hours later, Rachel was standing in the back hallway that led to Donna's desk.

She was just peeking around the corner when Mike came up behind her.

"What are you doing?"

Rachel showed him the file in her hand.

"I have these motions that I need to give to Harvey."

"And they are late?"

"No, of course not. I'm not you."

"Then what's the problem?" Mike looked thoroughly confused. "You know Harvey by now. He doesn't bite."

"No, but his secretary might!" Rachel snarled.

"Wait, Donna? You mean the Donna that was just in our apartment the other night for a girls night with you?"

"See those flowers on her desk?" Rachel gestured to them. "I asked what was on the card and she bit my head off."

"Now Rach, I'm sure Donna didn't—" Mike began but Rachel interrupted him.

"Mike, I'm telling you, she chewed me out for asking about the flowers."

They looked over at the desk again where the phone had started ringing. Next to it, Donna was trying to get a stuck piece of paper out of her printer. She slammed the machine shut and picked up the phone brusquely.

In his office, Mike could see Harvey glancing at Donna.

"Well good day to you too, Sir!" Donna all but threw the receiver back on the phone. In her abrasive manner, she had managed to knock over her coffee.

It had poured all over her desk, soaking the contract she had just printed and was now dripping from her desk onto the floor, forming a neat little puddle by her feet.

Harvey came rushing out of his office and started dabbing the desk with his pocket square. He said something to Donna and she scurried off. The couple watched as Harvey fished a tissue box out of Donna's drawer.

'How did he even know it was in there?' Mike thought.

Harvey cleaned the whole thing up, threw the contract away, fixed the paper jam and printed off a new copy.

Mike looked back at Rachel, who gave him a "told ya so" look. He tilted his head.

"Alright, I think I know what you mean."

"Right?" Rachel replied. "Something is up with Donna and Harvey knows what it is."

"Maybe it all has to do with her boyfriend, what's his name again?

"His name is Mitchell and they broke up months ago." Rachel looked unimpressed.

"I'll try to talk to her when she gets back," Mike offered.

Rachel waved her motions. "I'm gonna hand these in quickly." And she set off in Harvey's direction.

…..

It was already 5 pm when Mike finally found the time to make his way over to Donna's cubicle. It was empty so he ventured forth into Harvey's office.

Instead of finding Donna, it was just Harvey holding a record in his hands, turning it over and over.

With his back to the door, Mike's comment startled Harvey.

"I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my decision and that's vinyl!"

Harvey froze for a second before tossing the record back on the shelf with the rest and sat down at his desk.

"I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said."

Mike eyed the lawyer's actions and sneaked over to the section where Harvey just discarded the vinyl.

"I've just spent an hour confined to an office with Louis about the Swindon merger. Messages from Sheila kept popping up on his phone. If you saw what I saw you'd be all out smart things to say too. Those two do some weird role-playing." Mike shuddered just from recounting the events.

Harvey shrugged. "It's Louis. What else did you expect? Now, what can I do for you?"

"I just wanted your opinion on— Whaoooo, what's this?" Mike had been browsing through Harvey's collection and now pulled out the LP that Harvey had just been holding seconds earlier. "Whitney Houston - _I will always love you_?" Mike turned around and held up the record. "Do you listen to this when you've seen the coffee cart guy downstairs, huh?" He chuckled.

Harvey kept his eyes fixed on his laptop.

"I'll have you know I bought that one twenty-one years ago. It was at the top of the charts for fourteen weeks my senior year. It was also played fourteen times an hour on the radio and each party. It's a classic and I have some—" Harvey mulled over his words, "memories of it."

Harvey was annoyed at his own choice of words so he tried to brush over it by adding, "Not that you would know any of that since you were still in diapers."

Mike hopped over the back of the couch and plopped down with the record still in his hands.

"Yeah yeah, all I hear is basically I'm young and you're old. So tell me what kind of memories?"

"Mike, I'm busy right now, can I ignore you another time?" Harvey growled at him.

"You have all these jazzy and alternative records that are supposed to scream exclusive music taste and then there is this one. A pop ballad. There must be a story here. So what is it? Did you slow dance to it on prom night and got laid after? Was this song playing when you lost your virginity?

Mike wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Harvey rolled his eyes.

"I lost my virginity long before prom." He had a smug look on his face. "I was a baseball jock after all." Harvey hadn't planned on even dignifying Mike's teasing with an answer but he couldn't help it. The kid always knew how to push his buttons.

His face hardened when he saw Donna approaching from the corner of his eyes.

"Mike just put it back."

"Oh come on, don't be such a spoilsport. Tell me your high school memories of this record. Did she break your heart?" Mike clutched his chest dramatically.

Donna entered the room overhearing that last remark.

Mike had just pulled the record out of its sleeve and was on his way to Harvey's turntable.

"Mike if you scratch that," Harvey began.

"I will scratch your eyes out," Donna snapped.

Both men raised their eyebrows in surprise.

Mike stood motionless, gaping at Donna. This was so not her.

Harvey snatched the LP out of Mike's hands, carefully putting it back in the sleeve.

"Donna, go get me the Schmidt-Klein file from the file room, now."

"FINE." Donna stomped out of the room.

"Mike go to Rachel, write a motion, read a deposition, do anything but being here." Harvey showed him the door with a clenched jaw.

Once Mike was gone, he tossed the vinyl on the table, poured a scotch and let himself fall back on his couch. He closed his eyes and prayed for this day to end soon.

...

Mike and Rachel were striding down the long hallway, approaching Harvey's office together, a little after 7 pm. Yet again Donna's cubicle was abandoned and the glass door was closed. Some soft tones of music escaped anyway.

"I'll be damned," Mike mumbled.

Rachel eyed him questionably.

"It's the record from this afternoon," Mike elaborated.

He peered into the office. Harvey sat in the leather chair with his back to him, nursing a scotch.

Seated in the corner of the couch was Donna. She had kicked off her heels and her lower arm was situated on the armrest with her hand dangling down. To Mike's surprise, their fingers were intertwined.

Rachel pulled Mike away.

"Mike, let's go. I'm not sure what is making them act so differently today, but they probably want to be alone."

"Or they could really use their friends right now?"

Rachel contemplated this for a moment. Donna and Harvey didn't do physical contact. Emotions must be running high. She should at least offer her support.

Rachel turned around and marched into the office. Mike scrambled after her.

Donna quickly slipped her fingers from Harvey's touch and he got up to turn off the music.

"Mike, I swear to God if you're here to mock some more-"

Mike put up his hands and shook his head.

Rachel eyed Donna. "I'm not sure what is wrong, but you look like you could use a friend. You can tell me or not but I'd like to be there for you anyway."

Donna blinked back the tears and patted the spot next to her.

Rachel smoothed her skirt and sat down quietly, taking the dreaded record sleeve from the couch and placing it on the coffee table in front of her.

Donna's eyes found Harvey's and they asked him a silent question. Do they want to tell their friends?

His eyes were soft and the slight tilt of his head told her all she needed to know.

Harvey busied himself with handing out two new glasses of Macallan 18 and refilling Donna's.

Mike accepted his glass in silence and lowered himself in the other leather chair.

Donna picked up the sleeve and looked apologetically at Mike. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. It was way out of line. It's just—" She stared at the sleeve. "This record and I have memories. It goes back to my senior year at high school. It's irreplaceable."

Mike choked on his drink and launched into a coughing fit. Three pairs of eyes landed on him.

"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" Rachel crossed her arms and the words came out slightly annoyed. "I'm sorry, you were telling us something important, Donna."

Harvey cleared his throat. "Busted."

Rachel's eyes traveled from Mike to Harvey and back, wondering if any of them were going to fill her in?

"You two went to high school together?" Mike spluttered, looking flummoxed. He took another sip to calm his throat before returning his attention to his mentor turned friend.

Harvey deliberately moved slowly when going back to his seat. He could feel Mike's eyes scrutinize him. Rightfully so, but equally unpleasant. He just dipped his head in response to his friend's question not meeting his gaze.

"Is that true?" Rachel whispered. She had a bewildered look on her face and was looking for confirmation from Donna.

Donna squeezed her tired eyes shut.

"Yes." It came out all squeaky. Evidence of the nervous feeling that was raging inside her.

A look of hurt crossed Rachel's face but she quickly suppressed her own emotions and focused on Donna's.

Taking a deep breath, she summed up what she knew. "You've clearly been having a rough day, Harvey's been unusually attentive." Rachel saw him arch his eyebrows but he remained silent. "You received flowers with no card but you obviously know whom they're from, you and Harvey went to high school together." Rachel's voice raising an octave on the last part of that sentence. "And then there's this music record that seems to mean a lot to both of you."

"I know I should have told you this before." Donna stared at her toes. "But I didn't know how. The moment was just never right for it."

A deep frown settled on Rachel's face. "Donna," she hinted. "It's not as if we've never talked about your history with," she tilted her head in Harvey's direction, "him."

Both men veered up to say something, but Rachel raised her hand at them and they slumped back in their chairs.

A small smile formed on Donna's lips, seeing the two eloquent men slinking back at just one gesture of her friend.

"Rach." Donna massaged her temples. Not really sure if she should just drop the bombshell or ease into the story. "This goes beyond a theatre geek and the baseball jock going to prom together and doing it."

"O-kayyy." Rachel frowned.

"You guys were doing it?" Mike piped up, eyes blinking rapidly.

Three heads turned to glower at him.

He gave them a lopsided grin. "What? Like that wasn't the first thing that went through your head as well." He looked over to his girlfriend who quickly looked away.

"Okay, here's another question for you." Mike raised his glass in Harvey and Donna's direction. "Just how exactly does a theatre geek end up with a baseball jock?"

Donna and Harvey immediately locked eyes. A genuine smile crept over his face while she bit her lip.

Donna sat up straight. "One plays Hermia in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ ," her voice full of pride.

Harvey leaned forward, his glass still in his hands, looking her in the eyes. "One hits three Home runs in the playoffs," he boasted.

Donna scoffed. "Oh, don't go pretending you weren't the one who chased me."

"I seem to remember, you were the one to suggest we'd meet every day at your house for our science project."

"Yeah because I knew your reputation. You were an arrogant, lazy jock who didn't want to put in the work, so I was making sure you'd do your part."

Donna narrowed her eyes at Harvey when Mike quipped, "So nothing's changed then?"

Neither responded and Harvey turned his focus from Mike back to Donna. She was still staring him down and he relented.

"Fine, yes I chased you." He pursed his lips in fake annoyance and leaned back in his chair like a sulking child.

"It's not like we would have believed anything else anyway." An enigmatic grin formed on Rachel's lips.

Harvey jutted out his chin. "What are you saying?"

Small flushed circles appeared on Rachel's cheeks. "I'm saying you are you." She gestured in Harvey's direction. "And Donna is… Well, Donna."

"Well, can't argue that one I suppose." Harvey took a sip from his scotch and Donna smirked.

"But what's with today though?" Rachel pressed on.

"Today is a day loaded with a lot of memories." Donna got up and made her way over to the window. "Painful memories."

She kept her eyes fixed on the millions of lights that made up her view, here on the 50th floor of the firm.

"Harvey and I were high school sweethearts." She turned around and sat down at the windowsill.

"We'd been together for almost a year when our world got turned upside down."

Harvey slipped out of his seat and joined her by the window. Without saying anything, he quietly sat down next to her and listened to her low voice relaying the events leading up to that one fatal night.

·:·:·:·:·:·:·:·:·:·:·:·

" _Hey, Beautiful." Harvey slipped his arms around Donna's waist while kissing her cheek._

" _Hey,'' she replied softly and slammed her locker shut._

_She turned around in his arms and he bent his head to kiss her lips this time. Instead of reciprocating, she put her hands on his chest and softly, but firmly, pushed him away._

" _My parents are at the Davis BBQ tonight. Can you come over? There is something I want to talk to you about."_

_Harvey lifted one eyebrow and gave her a questioning look._

" _Talk about what?"_

" _Not here in the hallways, Harvey. Tonight? My place?"_

" _Shall I bring my toothbrush since your parents won't be there to send me home on time?" Harvey smirked._

" _You'll be sleeping in your own bed tonight, Specter." Donna dodged another one of his attempts to kiss her. "I'm late for Science. See you tonight."_

_A few hours later, Harvey was jogging around the field with the rest of the baseball team. Their coach was yelling something from the side, but he wasn't listening. Instead, he kept replaying his earlier conversation with Donna in his head._

_She had rejected his kiss twice, she wanted to talk to him about something she doesn't want to discuss at school and she wasn't jumping at the chance to spend the whole night together. He had wracked his brain coming up with a reason for her behavior but all he kept coming back to was a break-up._

_He had no fucking clue what would bring her to that decision and it was driving him insane._

_They didn't fight and he hadn't forgotten any of their anniversaries. Besides, Donna didn't give one bit about those. Sure, he could be cocky when his mates were around, but Donna saw right through that. After all, he wasn't cocky with her._

_By this point, he had missed several balls already and the coach was swearing at him now._

_Donna was sitting at the top row of the bleachers, watching the scene unfold in front of her. Coach waving his arms and Harvey yelling back, clearly agitated. She had a feeling she was to blame for Harvey's current state and she felt so guilty about it. She hadn't even told him yet and the guy was a mess already._

_When Harvey picked up his bat, his eyes quickly roamed the stand behind him and that is when he spotted her. She gave him a small wave and Harvey lifted his arm in quick acknowledgement before turning back to the coach and pitcher in front of him._

_He got ready to bat again, squared his shoulders and bends his knees._

_Donna immediately noticed his more relaxed stance, now that he knows she's here, and he hits the ball hard. She heaved a sigh. Tonight she was going to rock his world but not in a good way._

_..._

" _So what is that you wanted to talk to me about?" Harvey sat down at the edge of her bed._

_He had given her a quick peck on the cheek when he arrived but other than that he had kept his distance._

_After seeing her at his baseball practice, he didn't think she'd break up with him per se but he knew there was something going on._

_Donna sat down on her reversed desk chair and rolled herself in front of him. A wave of nausea hit her but she wasn't sure if it was the first symptom manifesting itself at the worst possible time or just nerves._

_Harvey eyed her quizzically. He could see she was getting worked up._

" _You know you can tell me anything, right?" He raised his arm to touch her cheek but was interrupted before he could do so._

" _I'm pregnant," she blurted out._

_His arm fell back on the bed and he stared at her._

_Afraid of his reaction, Donna averted her eyes and looked down, studying his shoes._

" _And yes, it is yours," she mumbled barely audible._

" _Why are you saying that?" Her addition had snapped him out of his daze and his voice sounded really loud in the otherwise silent room._

" _I assumed it would be the first thing out of your mouth. Is it mine?" Donna replied, keeping her head down._

" _I wouldn't have said that. Nor the obvious 'how', because I know how." Harvey sighed. "I know condoms are only like 98% effective and that is if you use them right. And I know we haven't been careful enough sometimes. Putting it on too late."_

_Donna nodded._

_Harvey cupped her face with both his hands and gently pushed her head up, forcing her to look at him. A tear was trickling down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb._

" _Just how nervous were you to tell me?"_

" _Very," Donna stuttered._

" _Afraid I'd get mad?"_

_Donna nodded and wouldn't meet his gaze again in embarrassment._

" _Well it takes two to tango, so I'd have to be mad at both of us. But that is not really going to get us anywhere so let's skip that part and go straight to the part where we look at our options."_

_Harvey took off his shoes and moved backward to the top of the bed. He propped up the pillows and indicated for Donna to join him._

_She was momentarily stunned before snapping into action. She had expected him to yell, to ask if it was really his, to demand an abortion right away or just bold altogether, but in all her nervousness she hadn't given him enough credit._

_Harvey had been nothing but the perfect boyfriend since they got together. They even had been planning their future after high school. Harvey had a few options for sports scholarships and Donna was applying to universities in the same areas._

_She settled down next to him, leaning into the pillows as Harvey took a deep breath._

" _How far along do you think you are?"_

" _Well, I had that flu the last time I was supposed to have my period. So I didn't think about it and when I didn't get my period a few days ago I checked my calendar and realized it was my second missed period. So according to the official calculating methods, I should be around eight weeks."_

_Harvey thought that Donna looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She was not her confident self at all and she seemed to have a really hard time discussing this topic with him. However, he wanted to hear her thoughts on the matter first before he spoke his own mind. He hoped that a few simple questions would ease her into sharing._

" _When did you find out?"_

" _Yesterday," Donna replied shyly._

" _What was your first thought?"_

" _My parents are going to kill me."_

_Harvey squeezed her knee._

" _I think they'd lynch me first for knocking their daughter up."_

_Donna dropped her head in her hands._

" _What a mess."_

" _Yeah I imagine lynching me would be a mess, yes." Harvey winked at her and it had the effect he was aiming for. Donna gave him a small smile and a slap on his thigh._

" _What was your second thought?"_

" _How do I tell Harvey?"_

" _Well, you crossed that bridge. I really appreciate you telling me right away instead of mulling it over for days or weeks by yourself." Harvey cleared his throat and added, "Or not telling me at all."_

_Donna's eyes widened and she whispered, "You think I'd do that to you?"_

_Harvey could kick himself for phrasing it this way._

" _No, I don't and you just proved it too, but I remember the statistics Mrs. Landler used to scare us. Three unwanted pregnancies per year and at least one of those has an abortion without telling anyone. I'm just grateful you care enough to not keep this from me. I don't want you to go through this alone."_

" _Go through this?"_

" _Yeah, the heavy burden of this all. Who do you tell, what do you do?" Harvey felt like he was only digging a deeper hole for himself here. He hadn't wanted to force an opinion on her and wanted to know her thoughts on the situation, but instead, he managed to make it sound as if he assumed she'd have an abortion. "Donna apart from your thoughts on how the people around you would react, did you think about what you want?"_

_They were lying side by side on the bed now, Donna focusing on the raindrops finding their way down the window while Harvey was staring at the spot on the ceiling where earlier this year he threw a baseball so hard against it that it left a dent._

_They were discussing a subject that bound them, fused them together in the most literal sense of the word and yet at the moment, it separated them more than anything else they had experienced during the run of their relationship._

" _Yes, I thought about all the options," Donna said._

_Harvey looked at her but her gaze was transfixed on the window while she spoke._

" _Did you know there are 5 possible scenarios?" Donna listed them for him. "First, we tell our parents and have an abortion. Second, we don't tell and have an abortion. Third, we tell and have it adopted. Fourth, we run away and we keep it. Fifth, we tell and keep it."_

" _Which one do you prefer?" Harvey pushed on. He really wanted her to speak her mind._

" _Option 1 would be the most sensible thing to do."_

_Harvey didn't say anything._

" _Option 2 would be sensible but we wouldn't be grounded for life, and be a huge disappointment to our parents."_

" _Uh-huh." Harvey nodded._

" _I can't do option 3," Donna continued._

" _And scenarios 4 and 5?"_

" _They're very unwise from a rational point of view."_

_Harvey was losing his patience now._

" _Screw sensible or rational, Donna. What do you WANT?"_

" _Does it matter what I want?" Donna exclaimed._

" _Of course it does. It's ALL that matters." Harvey let out an exasperated sigh. "This is a life-altering decision, so please tell me your true feelings."_

" _Exactly!" Donna's voice was getting louder from frustration._

" _This is life-altering. We're still minors, in high school no less. Are we capable enough to grasp the life long implications? Shouldn't we only do the rational and sensible thing here?"_

" _As far as I'm concerned, all five options have life long implications and for none of them there is a guarantee that you won't wish you'd have done things differently down the line."_

_With these last words, he had finally shown some color because he hadn't jumped at the chance to push abortion._

" _FINE! My heart wants options 4 or 5, but it'll screw up my college plans and your baseball career. Our parents will be livid and none of us will ever get past this because a child is a daily reminder of it all. We'll screw up the child so bad it'll probably end up hating us for bringing it into the world at all. Statistically, you and I will break up over this and still my heart can only scream that I want this baby."_

_Harvey was not surprised at her outburst. It was what he had been pushing for._

_She had looked at him during the argument but was back to staring out of the window now. He felt bad for getting her this worked up but he just had to know. He wanted to know her true feelings before speaking his mind. He was afraid his wish would influence her and keep her from telling him what was in her heart._

_He slowly moved his arm and let his hand find her fingers. She didn't move away so he grabbed them tight and whispered, "I want to keep it, too."_

_I knew you before I knew your name_

_I loved you before I saw your face_


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback here, twitter, the follows and the favorites. It is appreciated more than you know. This story has been written but it is a tremendous stimulation to continue with the next one.

_Donna kept pulling the skin around her nails and if Harvey hadn't put a stop to it she would have continued to the point of bleeding. He fully grabbed her hands and put them in his lap. Donna looked up at him as he did and he gave her the most encouraging smile he could muster. It prompted her to put her head on his shoulder._

_They had driven to another town for this ob-gyn appointment. Too nervous to tell their parents, they decided to cross another bridge first, albeit not in their own city, afraid of being seen. But sitting here in this waiting room surrounded by people at least ten years older than them made him just as nervous and it appeared Donna was feeling the same._

_Fifteen minutes later, Harvey was feeling slightly more at ease. The doctor had encouraged them to tell their parents soon but that was it. She seemed to follow her same standard routine and wasn't judging them or withholding treatment without having their parental consent._

_She then invited Donna up on the exam table for an ultrasound and his nerves tripled again. He was given a chair next to Donna's head and he quietly sat down._

" _All right Donna, did you follow the advice to have a full bladder for this ultrasound?" The doctor squeezed some gel on her abdomen._

" _Yes! I'm about to burst," Donna replied nervously._

_The doctor chuckled._

" _Okay, let's hope that means we can see enough from the outside. Otherwise, we'll need to do a vaginal ultrasound. But for that one, we need an empty bladder so either way, you can go soon."_

_Donna just nodded and stared at the screen when the probe was being placed on her abdomen. The device was being pushed around and Donna and Harvey weren't really sure what they were looking for. Then the doctor pointed at the screen._

" _That is your baby, and that is the heartbeat."_

_She pointed at a tiny bean on the screen and an even tinier super fast flicker._

_Donna gasped and Harvey grabbed her hand and kissed it._

_And then a fast but steady sound filled the room._

" _Is that..?" Harvey asked with a tremble in his voice._

_Donna turned her head and saw his eyes filling up with tears. Her own were pretty misty already as well but this set her off for sure._

" _That is your baby's heartbeat, nice and strong," the doctor confirmed._

_Harvey looked down at Donna with a big grin and she beamed back. She reached up to his face._

_Harvey let his forehead rest on her head just for a second and then kissed her temple while squeezing her hand real tight. He was just as overcome with emotion as she was._

_Suddenly Donna felt they'd be okay. It wouldn't be easy but they both wanted this baby very much and that was all that mattered._

_I longed for you for all of that time_

_And I held your heart in mine_

" _Chad Murren is going to hit the winning home run tonight and I'm sticking with it." Donna crossed her arms while jumping off the bottom bleacher._

" _Is Darlene in need of charity, that you are just giving away money like that?" Harvey teased._

_She narrowed her eyes at him._

" _Oh come on Beautiful! This isn't even a bet. You could have given her the money right away instead of waiting for the game to be over." He chuckled._

_She jutted out her chin. "I have faith in Chad."_

" _Is she going to be just as stubborn as you?"_

" _She?" Donna replied confused._

_Harvey walked a couple of steps away from the field to be sure they were out of earshot of anyone else hanging around after practice._

" _Yeah, that daughter of ours." He wiggled his eyebrows. "I have already made my peace with the fact she'll be just as stunning as you with no resemblance to me whatsoever. There will be a no dating rule until 30 btw. But if she'll inherit your stubbornness as well I might not survive." He groaned._

_Donna's throat closed up. "You're sure we're having a girl?" she whispered._

_He suddenly got a bit shy and busied himself with pulling up his socks. "Like there is any other option than a mini-you," he said. "I heard you say_ she _the other day but you didn't even realize you did it."_

_Donna gaped at him, speechless._

_Harvey slowly rose again and pulled her close. "I know you know it. So you might as well come out with it." His thumb brushed her cheek. "You are convinced we're having a girl," he insisted with a smirk._

_She nodded shyly. "I have this feeling...," she trailed off._

" _I knew it." Harvey punched the air before swooping her up and twirling her around._

_Donna squealed. "Harvey! I'll vomit all over you if you keep spinning." He carefully placed her down but didn't release his grip on her. "I thought you wanted a boy for sure. You know, teach him baseball and all." She gave him a nonplussed look and pushed his blonde locks out of his face._

" _I guess there's always softball," he mumbled with a mock sigh. This earned him a soft smack on the arm and his face broke out in a grin. "Donna, I'll have two redheads wrapping me around their little fingers. If you girls won't kill me, I'll love it."_

_She stood on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck while kissing him softly on his warm lips. "Thank you." Her voice barely above a whisper._

" _For what?" he replied softly._

" _For being you." Her voice wavered with emotion and she pressed her lips against his in a fierce manner this time._

_Harvey's hands on her waist drew her even closer, deepening the kiss. When he slowly pulled back, his eyes sparkled and his lips curved into a smile. "I've been thinking about names too."_

_His admission had the desired effect as her eyes grew wide. She studied his face and found nothing but love pouring from every fiber of his being. She still shook her head a little in disbelief. "Okay Specter, out with it then."_

_His face suddenly grew serious. "I would like to name her after my grandmother on my father's side. She passed away a few years ago but she was just about my favorite person in the world." He squeezed her side. "Well until I met you of course."_

_Donna squeezed his chest at his cheekiness but let him continue anyway._

" _My grandmother was strong-minded but soft-heartened. She had more courage than most men but everything she did was with integrity and loyalty. I have the utmost respect for her and all the stories me and my dad can tell about her will show that she was such an inspiring role model. I would like our daughter to draw inspiration from that."_

" _You speak with such love and passion about her. I like her already. What was her name?" Donna ran her hands up and down his spine._

" _Maeve, but everyone called her Mae," he answered softly._

" _Harvey Specter, are you telling me you want to give our daughter an Irish name?" She giggled loudly._

_He tugged at a few strands of her shiny red hair. "Now that I think of it, it might be a bit too cliché."_

" _I'm not saying that. I'm just surprised. Are there Irish roots in your family too?"_

" _The story my grandma liked to tell me was that her mother overheard the name when passing an Irish family in town one day and had her heart set on it ever since. My grandpa sputtered at first. You know, it was a time of tradition. You named your daughter after her maternal grandmother whether you liked the name or not. And he was worried about everyone's reaction. But my grandmother argued her case and she managed to convince him in the end."_

" _Now why am I not surprised." Donna gazed at his handsome features. He got his persuasiveness from his paternal grandmother, that much was clear._

" _I looked up the name Maeve in one of those baby names books in the library." He lowered his eyes and looked at his fingers tracing the freckles on her collarbone. "It means 'she who intoxicates' and that's what you've done to me and I'm sure our daughter will do it to both of us and everyone else that will meet her."_

_Her heart skipped several beats hearing him say 'our daughter' for the first time. She cupped his cheeks with both hands and forced him to look at her. "She will intoxicate us. And her grandparents and her uncle Marcus."_

_He leaned in and rested his forehead against hers. "So official name Maeve?"_

_She smiled. "And we will call her Mae."_

" _Mae Specter. It does have a nice ring to it," he commented._

" _Now that, Mister, is a whole different discussion. One you won't win so easily."_

" _I inherited my grandma's arguing skills ya know," he advocated._

" _Oh, I know!" Donna chuckled. "Let's just hope our daughter doesn't or you two will kill ME." And she grabbed his arm, dragging him off the field._

_..._

_A month later, they were back at the ob-gyn. Donna felt more at ease this time around and allowed herself to look at the other people in the waiting room. There was a little toddler playing in the kid's corner and currently, the girl was handing her mother each book that resided in the area. The little one was still a bit wobbly on her legs and walking while carrying a large picture book proved to be a challenge. Donna glanced at Harvey and he too was looking at the cute scene in front of them. He looked over at her and they shared a smile._

_Yes, she was still nervous about telling their parents. Something they planned on doing sometime this week, but she and Harvey were determined to do this together. They had discussed it all, night after night, on how they were going to do it._

_Harvey injured his shoulder earlier this year and it turned out to be much more serious than they expected. The pain was returning and test results indicated a chronically inflamed tendon. It was no longer feasible to go for a sports scholarship. He'd destroy his shoulder for good if he'd continue to play at a competitive level._

_In the past few weeks, his world had been turned upside down twice and he had taken it all in stride. When she asked him how upset he was about not being able to pursue a baseball career, he had told her, "I love baseball, but now I actually get to see our baby grow up full time. That is worth so much more than any MLB championship. I'm totally good with this." And then he had kissed her hard and pulled her in for a long hug._

_After ten more minutes in the waiting room, she was back on the same exam table. Harvey at her side, holding her hand. He rubbed the back with his thumb and beamed at her. They were so excited to see their baby. The last time it was just a little bean but this time they should be able to see the contours of a baby with arms and legs._

_The doctor moved the probe around a bit and an image of a baby appeared. Harvey squeezed her hand again and when she looked at him he gave her a quick kiss._

_Donna turned her attention back to the screen. The doctor kept moving the probe but didn't say anything and a feeling of uneasiness crept over Donna._

" _Is everything okay?" she asked._

_The doctor moved her eyes away from her screen and looked at Donna directly._

" _I'm afraid not, Donna. I can't find a heartbeat."_

_Even though she was lying down, Donna felt as if she was falling. She could hear Harvey asking something but it sounded far away and she could see the doctor shaking her head. It was like being in a tunnel._

_I kissed you a hundred million times_

_I tasted the tears that I cried_

_I held you my beautiful child_

_And I'll keep your heart in mine_

"I just remember feeling someone had thrown me into a deep hole and slowly started to pour rocks on me because it was just crushing. Every second was worse than the last. It was just devastating."

Donna could get it all out without crying. After 21 years it wasn't something that was raw and constantly bubbling on the surface. It was however still a sore point. Something she would never be able to move on from entirely.

Harvey was still sitting there next to her on the windowsill and he grabbed her hand to squeeze it. A gesture that took her right back to that exam table. His squeezes had been so full of hope at first and then turned into an attempt of comfort once the doctor said those five soul-crushing words.

He remained silent, however.

They had been sitting here every year on this day and it was the only day a year he allowed himself to get close to her.

He'd hold her hand while they shared a drink. Some years they would talk, some years they'd just sit together in silence, taking comfort in each other's presence. Knowing they understood each other's pain. It was a dark hour filled with a lot of silent what could have beens and after this day he'd carefully place the lid on that box again and tuck it away until next year.

He saw Mike sitting there, open-mouthed. The kid probably hadn't expected this from their past. No one in the firm did. They all knew Harvey brought Donna with him from the DA's office. They didn't know they had known each other ten years prior to that. Let alone being high school sweethearts that fell pregnant.

Mike looked like he was about to burst from a million unanswered questions, so Harvey gestured to him to calm down and hold back with his left hand. It was a small movement, out of Donna's view, but it didn't go unnoticed by Rachel.

Harvey was protecting Donna. It was a painful story, never shared before, and she wasn't finished telling it. She didn't need a round of rapid-fire questions coming at her.

"The measurements showed that it must have been just days before that the heart stopped beating," Donna continued.

She hadn't allowed herself to relive the entire story like this for many years but now that she had, she needed to finish it all the way up to the end.

"I remember Harvey asking if they could look again. If maybe they were wrong. And they showed us the flat lines of where you should see the rhythm of a heartbeat. Harvey—," Donna's voice was cracking but she swallowed the lump, "Harvey asking if there was any hope it could return."

Harvey closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

This was their story. Every heart-wrenching word of it and he still felt as powerless as he did back then. He wanted to fix this but there was nothing to fix. He hadn't been able to bring their baby back and he hadn't been able to fix her grief. Or his own for that matter. And contrary to popular belief, time did not heal all wounds.

_I love you to the moon and back my little winter bear_

_I know you know how much that is cause you're already there._

_I never knew a love like this could ever possibly exist_

_I love you to the moon and back as long as I live._

_Harvey made his way up the stairs._

_Clara Paulsen had just told him that her daughter was feeling very poorly and though she hoped he could cheer Donna up, he should be aware of catching the same bug if he'd go into her room._

_He was pretty sure he was already feeling just as poorly, however._

_Donna was just returning to her room after another visit to the bathroom. She looked pale and her eyes were hollow._

_Harvey gave her a questioning look but she just shook her head._

_It had been three days since their heartbreaking ob-gyn appointment. The doctor had told them to give nature time to do its thing. Since the miscarriage had only just occurred, it could very well be that Donna's body would still resolve this naturally. So far, however, nature had been gruesome and her morning sickness had continued, but nothing else._

_Overwhelmed with grief, Donna had given up on hiding her nausea and told her parents she had the flu._

_Harvey guided Donna back to her bed. He pressured her into taking a few sips from the glass of water that was on her nightstand but she absolutely refused to eat anything._

_Though he understood, he had trouble eating much himself even without feeling nauseous all the time, he did worry about her. He felt they should go back to her doctor and ask for the medicine she had spoken about to help pass this. However, with her parents knowing she is ill and the current state Donna was in, there was just no way he'd get her out of the house and in the car._

_It was painful to see her like this and he did the only thing he could think of night after night, and that was to just hold her._

_He threw his sweater and shoes across the room to climb into bed next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and Donna sobbed into his chest and t-shirt. He would run his fingers through her hair while shedding a few tears himself. Cursing at the unfairness of it all._

_..._

_The next few days still nothing happened. Time to pass naturally was running out. The flu couldn't go on forever after all._

_Seriously needing to talk about this, Harvey had managed to convince Donna to get out of the house. Her mom was home and with her constantly passing her bedroom door to do household chores, there just was too much tension in fear of getting caught._

_In a desperate attempt to make the best out of a terrible situation, Harvey drove them to a gaming arcade._

_Donna raised her eyebrows upon arriving but said nothing. It wasn't the venue she expected for this conversation but his ulterior motive was clear. He wanted to take her mind off things. She didn't know whether to cry (again) or kiss this man senseless._

_Just eighteen years of age, Harvey had been the epitome of a devoted partner. She wouldn't have blamed him if he had run at any point between telling him she was pregnant and this very moment. But he was still here and he was her rock._

_After a game of Mario Bros - Donna won, and a very competitive round of air hockey - Harvey beating Donna by one point, Harvey was now flying an x-wing mission. With his eyes glued to the screen, he dared to raise the dreaded subject._

" _Donna, I'm worried."_

" _I would be too with five tie fighters on my tail," Donna quipped._

_Harvey's leg shot out to the side to give her a friendly kick._

" _I know. It's taking too long."_

" _Yeah, it's eating us both up, we need to get closure on this. The physical part at least." Harvey had his hands firmly on the joystick and managed to blow up three tie fighters. "This waiting game is driving me insane. I screwed up my math test today because all I could think about is you."_

_Donna shuffled her feet._

" _I'm sorry about your test."_

" _I'm not. Screw the test. I'm more concerned about not being there 24/7 while this could happen any second."_

_It was warm in the arcade and Donna took off her sweater. When she did so, her t-shirt rode up and with her low slung jeans he got a clear shot of her abdomen._

_Harvey stared at it for a few seconds too long and subsequently the game over sound was being played._

_It was just a week ago that he was sitting on her bed, watching her undress, when he pulled her in and kissed her abdomen while telling her there was definitely a baby bump forming. Donna had giggled and called him an idiot. She informed him a bump was impossible and proceeded to ask if he thought she was getting fat._

_He had continued to hold her, rubbing her midsection with his thumbs and peppering the area with butterfly kisses. In between those kisses he had told her carrying their baby made her even more beautiful._

_The idea of a baby in there blew his mind and it was the scariest and most wonderful thing that happened to him at the same time._

_He was all in. As terrifying it would be to tell their parents and knowing it would be a struggle to juggle a child, school, and work, he really wanted this baby. He just knew Donna would ace the mom thing and he could do anything with her by his side. She had pushed him to want to be better, at everything._

_He had stopped being the cocky baseball player that wasn't interested in anything beyond the field. Starting with a few shared projects in some of their classes together, he had begun to take his schoolwork seriously. Before he had been an average student, lucky enough to get away with his slacking without failing. But when he started making an effort, he had soared to the top of the class ranking. He now had a very respectable GPA and with his bust shoulder, he needed it to make his college years a success._

_Her abdomen looked the same as a week ago. Yet everything had changed._

_The idea of his girlfriend carrying their now dead baby inside her was ripping him apart._

_It was a constant reminder of crushed hope, the potential of what they could be. And right now they were in limbo. Stuck in a waiting room before they were finally allowed to move to the last room of it all. Licking their wounds and trying to wrap their heads around it, learning to deal with the grief._

" _Harvey? Planet earth to Harvey, are you there?" Donna nudged his shoulder._

_Harvey looked up at her. "Sorry, I got caught up in my own tangled web of thoughts."_

_Donna took a step forward while Harvey turned in the game chair. She nudged his legs apart so she could get close. Weaving her hands through his hair, he grabbed her waist and let his head rest on her midsection._

" _I don't know what to do," Harvey whispered. "I want to help but I don't know how. I want to take away your pain but I can't and it breaks my heart to see you so devastated."_

_Tears brimming in her eyes, Donna murmured, "You are doing everything right. I couldn't wish for anything else in a partner right now."_

_Harvey just stayed where he was. Tears silently rolling over his cheeks._

" _Promise me one thing though," Donna whispered while kissing the top of his head._

" _Anything," he instantly replied._

" _Promise me that we'll still be us after all this is over."_

" _I promise," Harvey said in a low voice._

_I see you in all of the stars, shine brightly right into our hearts_

_I look at the night sky above and wonder can you feel my love._

Harvey sat motionless at the windowsill. He kept his head down and stared at his feet.

He had failed. He had failed her. He couldn't keep his promise and piled more hurt on her when she was already in so much pain.

And yet she was here. At his side, for 12 years now. Giving so much more than he deserved, giving so much more than he gave her. Pushing him once again to want to be better. To be a good man, to be worthy of her.

He felt her squeezing his hand and he automatically started rubbing the back of hers with his thumb. It took him a second to realize she had stopped talking and was looking at him.

He cleared his throat. "You need me to tell this part?"

Donna nodded and with a small tilt of his head he signaled to her "I've got this."

In a hushed tone, he picked up their story. "That night we found ourselves at Ben Hyatt's Valentine's party. He was a baseball teammate. Donna thought the party would take our minds off from what was happening. Or more so of what we were waiting for to happen."

_I love you to the moon and back my little winter bear_

_I know you know how much that is cause you're already there._

_I never knew a love like this could ever possibly exist_

_I love you to the moon and back as long as I live._

_Donna was sitting on a chair at the dinner table, watching others playing a round of poker. She knew the rules, Harvey had taught her, and as an aspiring actress, she'd like to think she could pull off a bluff. But she wasn't in the mood to engage in a game._

_A cup filled with coke appeared in front of her and looking over her shoulder, she found her boyfriend sipping from his own cup, probably filled with beer._

_She didn't mind. He promised her not to get tanked and he deserved to feel like a high school kid again for one night._

" _Yo Harv, your girlfriend doesn't want to play. But you are willing to lose a few bucks aren't you?" Kyle challenged him._

" _Always," Harvey grinned._

_Donna stood up and Harvey took her seat. He wasn't going to let his pregnant girlfriend stand there though, so he pulled her on his lap._

_She sat across his lap for quite some time, one arm draped around his shoulder, her fingers grazing the nape of his neck._

_He let his fingers run across her back, underneath her shirt, whenever the game allowed him to do so._

_Harvey was engrossed in his hand when Donna got up to get some water. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he noticed she hadn't come back._

_Cassie, Kyle's girlfriend, informed him Donna was in the living room. His cup had been refilled a couple of times. And although he wasn't drunk, he was slightly intoxicated and not thinking as clearly as he should._

_A few more rounds of the game had passed when Harvey remembered Donna. He should go check on her after this round. He leaned back in his chair and that is when he noticed._

_There was a small red stain on his pants, right where Donna had been seated._

_Throwing his cards on the table, he aggressively pushed his chair back and hurried off._

_He could hear Kyle shouting, "What the fuck, Harvey?" but he didn't give a damn. He had to find Donna._

_His eyes were frantically scanning the room full of people and that's when he saw her. She was on the couch in a corner of the room._

_He rushed to her side and stroked her hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I let you get out of my sight."_

_Donna was shivering underneath a blanket and when she turned her head to him, Harvey knew he had to get her out of there._

" _Har… Harvey, it hurts, it hurts so much."_

_Tears were streaming down her face and her voice wobbled._

_He lifted the blanket slightly and that was enough to scoop her up in his arms right away. He made sure to do it with the blanket wrapped around her, to not create a scene right there._

_He remembered the instructions of the doctor of how much bleeding was allowed and deemed normal. This wasn't it!_

_He pushed through the crowd while murmuring to Donna, "I've got you, I'm here, I'll take care of you." He kissed her temple and placed her carefully in his car._

_He raced through town to get to the ER. He forced himself to be mindful of the traffic and take into account that he had been drinking._

_He wanted to beat himself up mentally for letting this happen but there would be plenty of time for that later. Right now, his only job was to get her to the hospital safely._

_Whenever traffic allowed him, he grabbed Donna's hand and mumbled things like, "Hang on, almost there, you'll be okay, we've got this." He wasn't sure if she even heard him._

_He pulled up to the front of the hospital and lifted Donna out of the car. The seat of his car looked like a scene from a horror movie, completely covered in blood._

_With her in his arms, he ran into the ER and shouted, "She's having a miscarriage and bleeding much more than she should."_

_People in white coats and scrubs came running up to him with a gurney and he let her go. He laid her down on the stretcher and she was whisked away immediately. Medic personnel shouting words he didn't understand while they peeled away the blanket she was still wrapped in._

_He stood there in the middle of the hallway, bloodstains on his clothes, watching his girlfriend being wheeled out of his sight._

_A nurse came up to him and stirred him to some chairs._

" _My girlfriend, I have to—" Harvey said but the nurse gently pulled him down next to her._

" _They are taking good care of her. There is nothing you can do for her in there. You did the right thing bringing her here."_

_Admitting defeat, Harvey slumped back in his chair even though he felt like shouting every curse word in the book._

_He shouldn't have left her side. He shouldn't have let her convince him to go to that damn party. The blood. There had been so much blood. Oh God, let Donna be alright._

" _Did you know she was pregnant?" the nurse asked him._

_Harvey leaned forward, letting his head rest in his hands._

_He closed his eyes and nodded, "Yes."_

_The nurse had a clipboard and pen in her hands. "What are your names?"_

" _Harvey Specter and Donna Paulsen."_

_The nurse scribbled something down._

" _How old are you Harvey?"_

" _Eighteen."_

" _And Donna?"_

_Harvey shook his head._

" _Seventeen," he whispered._

" _I need to call her parents immediately. Can you give me their phone number?"_

_The nurse was ready to write the number down when they wheeled Donna out of the exam room. They pushed the bed towards the elevator and Harvey ran after them._

" _Donna," he yelled._

_A nurse was blocking his way._

" _Where are you taking her?" He tried to push through to get to her._

" _She's hemorrhaging, she needs surgery. We're taking her to the OR," one of the people in a white coat said._

_There was still a lot of blood, Donna looked bad and the people around her bed looked worried and were in a hurry to get her upstairs._

" _Can I just say goodbye?" Harvey pleaded._

_The doctor in charge nodded to the nurse that was trying to keep Harvey at a distance and he propelled himself to her side._

_He grabbed her hand, brushed a few strands of hair stuck to her face aside and kissed her temple. He whispered, "I love you."_

_There was the sound of the elevator arriving and they pulled the bed away. Her hand slipped from his fingers while they wheeled her inside and the elevator doors closed in front of him._

_I love you to the moon and back my little winter bear_

_I know you know how much that is cause you're already there_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like torturing yourself a bit more after this... Listen to Winterbear by Coby Grant.  
> Please let me know your thoughts by leaving a review. Final part following soon!


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 1 in 4 women will lose a baby in miscarriage, delivery or infancy. You either are that woman or you know that woman. Starlegacyfoundation has many rescources for your own grief or how to support family and friends. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Consider lighting a candle in the wave of light at 7pm across all time zones to recognize the loss and to remember all babies that were lovingly anticipated and remain forever in their parents heart.

We left the last part at an intense section. Just a quick refresher.

Previously on My favorite what if (did you all just read that in Gabriel's voice or is that just me?):

.

" _She's hemorrhaging, she needs surgery. We're taking her to the OR," one of the people in a white coat said._

_There was still a lot of blood, Donna looked bad and the people around her bed looked worried and were in a hurry to get her upstairs._

" _Can I just say goodbye?" Harvey pleaded._

_The doctor in charge nodded to the nurse that was trying to keep Harvey at a distance and he propelled himself to her side._

_He grabbed her hand, brushed a few strands of hair stuck to her face aside and kissed her temple. He whispered, "I love you."  
_

_There was the sound of the elevator arriving and they pulled the bed away. Her hand slipped from his fingers while they wheeled her inside and the elevator doors closed in front of him._

_I love you to the moon and back my little winter bear_

_I know you know how much that is cause you're already there_

**My Favorite What If**

**Part Three**

It wasn't until he stopped talking that he noticed it was now her thumb tracing circles on the back of his hand.

While talking, he had found himself in a trance. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall and even though he hadn't allowed himself to relive the whole story for years, it all came tumbling out like it was yesterday.

He rubbed his forehead and the side of his face with his left hand, feeling a headache slowly pushing its way to the forefront.

He gradually moved his gaze from the wall to Mike and Rachel in the seats in front of them.

Mike's mouth was still slightly agape and if he didn't feel so emotionally drained and worn down, Harvey probably would've chuckled.

It was Rachel's voice that made his eyes swivel to her face. "What happened after that?" the brunette asked softly.

An answer immediately formed in Harvey's mind but he kept quiet.

Donna tapped his hand with her thumb but he didn't meet her eyes and just shook his head. The gesture was so quick that if Donna had blinked she would have missed it but she spotted it.

Donna knew he carried immense guilt over the part that came next and she took it upon herself to answer her friend's question.

Somewhere far in the distance, he knew Donna was talking but the sound inside his head drowned out her words. All he could hear was a voice screaming, "YOU LEFT HER, YOU LEFT HER, YOU LEFT HER."

"My parents showed up. My mom in tears and my dad totally livid. Harvey's parents showed up, completely in shock. I was taken to surgery, where they were able to stop the bleeding caused by a ruptured ovarian cyst but not without removing one of my ovaries and fallopian tubes."

Donna sniffled a bit and heard a sharp intake of breath from Rachel again. She saw her grabbing Mike's arm and knew she was dumping a lot on her friend tonight that she should have shared in earlier conversations.

"I woke up the next morning without my ovary, without my fallopian tube, without my baby." Donna bit her lip. "And without my boyfriend," she added quietly.

The last four words pushed him over the edge. Something inside him snapped. He pushed himself forcefully off the windowsill and with big angry strides he reached the glass door.

"Harvey," Donna called after him. She wanted to grasp his arm, hold him close, run her fingers through his hair and whisper in his ear that it was time to forgive his younger self but whether he couldn't hear her or chose to ignore her, he was gone before she was even halfway down the room.

Donna stood forlorn in the middle of the room. Watching Harvey leave, yet again. At the end of the hallway, he reached a secretary's desk and in one swift motion, he mowed everything on it to the ground, bellowing out an agonizing scream.

Donna was torn between running after him and giving him space. They had been here before. There was nothing she could do. She told him a hundred times that if she could move on, so should he, but he was as stubborn as a mule sometimes.

Rachel appeared by her side and led her back to the couch with a gentle push. Donna flopped down defeated and accepted the drink Mike handed her.

Rachel rubbed Donna's back in comfort. "There is so much I want to say but you're not finished telling the story."

It wasn't really a question, so much as a statement.

Donna glanced at the glass door but no sign of Harvey. So with a big gulp of her drink, she continued.

"As soon as I woke up, I asked for Harvey. My dad flipped and ranted how he'd make sure he would never come near me again. He said he called his friend at the police station to press charges for statutory rape."

There was a collective gasp from Mike and Rachel and both had a horror-struck look on their faces.

"He didn't!" Mike exclaimed.

Donna wrinkled her nose. "He truly did."

"I begged and cried but he didn't relent and it was another punch to the gut. Instead of grieving, I was just worrying about Harvey. My parents forbid me to see him. His parents warned him to stay away, pending the investigation.

I was discharged after a few days, but I had lost a lot of blood so I suffered from iron deficiency anemia, and let me tell you that ain't no picnic. I have never felt so tired and dizzy in my life." She shivered at the thought.

"So I just lay in my bed for god knows how long. My dad focused on spending all of his energy on making Harvey suffer. And my mom— my mom opened my curtains every day because the sun was shining, kept bringing me lots of food that I barely touched, kept asking me with every friend that appeared at the door if I was absolutely sure I didn't want to see them and worst of all she kept pushing me to go outside."

Donna took a sip from her glass, leaning back her head, closing her eyes.

"I'm not sure what I expected to happen after my body had let go of the baby, but ever since that moment in the doctor's office, it was as if I had become frozen in time and was watching life as a movie. Your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around just carries on with life. Birds continue to sing and the sun continues to shine but for me, life stood still. I couldn't comprehend which pain was worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never would."

Mike glanced at Rachel and grabbed her hand.

"In the end, I needed to get out of the house to escape my parents. They didn't understand and were not particularly forgiving. I had tried to get in contact with Harvey but it was always his parents or brother picking up the phone and I didn't want to talk to them so I hung up. They must've known it was me. So I figured I'd go to his block to see if I could catch him around. I sat there on the curb for like an hour and then a mother came by with a crying newborn baby wrapped in a sling. That's pain like nothing else. Just nothing compares. I bawled my eyes out right there in the street."

Donna could see Rachel nodding sympathetically and it urged her on to power through with her story.

"After a while, Gordon, Harvey's dad, appeared next to me. He showed me more compassion than my parents had, even though my dad was threatening to pull the rug from underneath Harvey's entire future. He told me that some more issues had arisen in the Specter household and that Harvey was staying with a cousin out of town."

"Was the issue the thing with his mom?" Mike said while loosening his tie.

Donna gave him a surprised look. Harvey didn't go around telling people personal stories. Especially about his mom.

Rachel's clueless face, however, revealed that only Mike was privy to this story and he for once had managed to keep this to himself.

So Donna just nodded in response.

"The facts that Harvey was out of town and that despite my desperate attempts we had no contact, made my father decide not to continue the witch-hunt when the police announced they wouldn't prosecute.

"But when he told me that, I didn't feel relief. It freed up space in my head to let the grief properly in. And everyone around me had an opinion on it. _I should be over it by now, looking at my age and circumstances it was only for the best, nature must've intended it this way, I was only young and could have many more babies_." She quickly rattled off all the incredibly hurtful things people had said to her in the aftermath of it all.

"I didn't want another baby. I wanted THIS baby," Donna all but yelled.

She jumped up and nearly tripped over her own heels that still lay discarded on the floor and she kicked them across the room in frustration.

"I knew there would be plenty of time in the future. Although missing an ovary and fallopian tube put a damper on the statistics, I'm sure."

Donna let out a hollow laugh, while wringing her hands and pacing up and down the room.

"But as soon as you're pregnant you mock up an entire life. Who will the baby look like? Will they be a bookworm like you?"

"Or hit 0.385 like their dad." Harvey's taut voice carried across the room.

Donna spun around and saw him leaning against the doorframe. Hands in his pocket, he wanted to give the appearance of being in control of his emotions but his hunched shoulders told a different story.

"It's not just losing a baby." Harvey tapped the glass wall with his fingers in a repetitive motion.

"It's the 1 and the 2 and the 10 and the 16-year-old they would have become. The Christmas mornings, school performances and first days of school. That's how much is lost when they tell you your baby died."

Donna, rooted to her spot, just nodded, tears slowly trickling down her cheeks.

Harvey pushed himself off the doorpost.

"There's a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes."

His voice subdued, all his muscles tensed, and glancing away from the painful stares of their colleagues slash friends, Harvey slowly inched forward.

He didn't do hugs. And most of all not with Donna. But then, they didn't do soul-baring like this either, yet here they were.

It was painful to see her like this. So he lifted his arm and brushed away a tear on her cheek first. When she didn't shrink back, he pulled her in for a hug.

Behind them on the couch, Mike did the same with Rachel. Her eyes were brimming with tears and Mike pulled her into his side.

They both felt a bit misled by their friends, not having been clued in on their shared past. But with the whole story tumbling out tonight, they sort of understood why it was never discussed before.

Harvey's last statement really knocked them sideways.

Of course, they had heard of people having miscarriages but neither had given it really much thought on what it actually meant. They felt a bit embarrassed that they too were under the impression that it is something that you quickly move on from by trying again. They absolutely underestimated the emotional impact it has on the, no longer, parents to be.

Of course with Harvey and Donna, they wouldn't be Harvey and Donna with a few more complicated factors thrown into the story.

Rachel couldn't wait to quiz Donna on why she decided to work for Harvey with their clearly unfinished past hanging between them. But not tonight or this week and maybe not even this month.

She felt extremely guilty for getting the redhead so worked up. Although… Looking at her boss and best friend, they seemed to find each other in a way they hadn't for a long time.

Harvey inhaled the familiar scent. A mix of coconut and vanilla. It was his favorite scent in the world and it transported him right back to her bedroom. If only he could do it all over again, he would handle things with her differently. Or would he?

After he saw his mom cheating on his dad again, something snapped inside of him. He had been furious that he needed to stay away from Donna with the impending charges hanging over his head.

He had been to the hospital the next day and had been denied access to see her, on strict instructions left to the medical personnel by Jim Paulsen.

He had given the nurse a note and hoped with all his might that she would slip it to Donna.

The next three days he waited for a reply but when he caught his mom with Bobby, he lost all hope.

His mom had left their family, he had left Donna that fateful Valentine's night, and she had left him afterward.

His mom had made a mess of things, and so had he. He didn't trust himself to be a worthy partner. His actions 20 years ago nearly cost Donna her life and it almost ripped them apart for good. It was short of a miracle that she was here in his life at all. He wasn't taking any chances at losing her again.

Harvey ran his fingers in circles on her back, over and over again until Donna's crying had turned into sniffles. Her tears had soaked through his dress shirt.

Rachel eyed them from the couch, seeing the calming effect the name partner had on the redhead.

And suddenly she felt she was invading their privacy. They shared their very private story tonight, but now a shift was palpable. The story was unfinished. It was still an ongoing journey for them and they were obviously venturing into uncharted waters.

Somehow, they managed to find their way into each other's lives again but it was clear the subject of Donna's miscarriage and their surrounding feelings was something that was not confronted but rather buried in favor of establishing a sustainable work relationship.

Their past and present were colliding and emotions were roaring. It was very much time they spoke about the aftermath. But in a private setting without interferers around.

Rachel slid forward in her seat and patted Mike's knee. His head swiveled around to meet her gaze and he immediately understood she wanted to go.

He was about to clear his throat to speak some parting words when he felt her nails digging into his skin. Her penetrating stare made him swallow his words and she yanked him out of his seat.

Quietly, they backed out of the room and they were already outside the glass door when Harvey looked up. Mike gave him the 'I will call you' sign.

Harvey acknowledged him with a simple nod and turned his focus back to Donna.

"I didn't know you felt this strongly, still?" Donna pulled back a little and stared in Harvey's brown orbs.

The fingers on her back came to a halt and a look flashed on his face. Was it hurt? She wasn't sure.

"You know how each year on my birthday, you bring me this cupcake with a candle on it and force me to make a wish?"

Donna's eyes grew wide. "After all this time?"

"Always", he replied huskily.

Harvey let go, took a step backward, and then abruptly turned around to stride over to his desk.

"You know you don't _have_ to look so shocked every time I make it clear that I still think about—" He shuffled some papers from right to left and back while swallowing a lump. "About—"

"Our baby?" Donna said softly.

"Our baby", he repeated.

"But we never talk about _our_ baby, do we?" Her words hung in the air before she continued. "You place flowers on my desk before I get in and we spin that goddamn record at night and then we seal away the memory of what happened until next year."

Harvey's arms were drooping at his side, hands balled into fists, his jaw tight. She was right. Of course, she was right and he sunk down in his chair.

Donna fiddled with her fingers. Placing her focus on a chipped nail instead of looking at him.

She hadn't planned on putting this out there. She was already grateful for what they had shared tonight. It was hard, so very hard, digging up all these buried feelings to tell this story to Mike and Rachel. But it had felt cathartic and she might as well go all the way now.

When she had reappeared in Harvey's life, they talked. Of course, they talked. But the focus had been on Harvey's disappearance and everything they had done afterward. They conveniently skipped the part where they were supposed to spend their lives together, raising a child.

"I thought… I figured if you—" Harvey sighed in frustration.

He swiveled the chair around so he was facing the city instead of her. He closed his eyes for a split second while taking in a deep breath.

"Let's— let's talk about our baby."

Behind him, Donna stared at his back. She noticed his tense shoulders and she hesitated. Was it worth it to push the subject?

She decided that she owed it to her 17-year-old self. And to her, no, their baby. If they didn't talk about it, who would? And that made its existence meaningless and that was something she wasn't willing to accept, ever.

Harvey swung his chair back, grabbed his pen from a stack of folders, aimed to put it back in the tray, then changed his mind and started twiddling with it. He slowly raised his head while seeking her gaze.

It was getting late and the hint of stubble was reappearing on his jawline. A jawline that was as tight as it could be, and she recognized all the signs of his nervousness but didn't relent and met him with a stubborn look.

He took a deep breath and said, "One of the most vivid memories I have of that time, is our visit to that baby store in New Haven."

Donna raised her eyebrows, surprised by his admission but kept quiet.

He looked at her with hopeful eyes, but her lips were pursed and he realized she wasn't going to say anything.

"Do you remember that?" he tried.

She nodded but didn't offer more, and he let out a frustrated groan. He had hoped it would entice her to speak. Because this conversation was unknown territory and it felt like a goddamn minefield. He was fairly certain one wrong word would blow the whole evening to shreds.

"It was after the ultrasound. We went in to check on prices for all the stuff we needed so we'd be able to present our parents with a plan on how we were going to do this, but I don't remember paying attention to the prices for one second."

He leaned back in his chair to observe her face while he spoke.

"All I could look at was you. We had talked about it, over and over, but that were just words. Walking between the cribs and the strollers and the baby clothing. You caressing a yellow knitted blanket and trailing your fingers over a onesie that said _Daddy's little girl_. The sales clerk approaching us and you telling him we were just browsing for our baby while placing your hand on your abdomen."

_I guess we're really doing this_ , was all Donna could think at that moment. His words, the details in the setting he painted, had caught her by surprise, and she nearly tripped over her own feet in her hurry to sit down in the chair in front of his desk. Her emotions were running wild tonight and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to hold herself up much longer.

"Until then everything had been very abstract, but that day made it so very real. I watched you transform into a mum," He stated in a low voice.

She bit her bottom lip because dammit, it still hurts so much. Her chin quivered and tears threatened to spill over.

Her eyes brimming with tears filled Harvey with unease. His mouth went dry and he felt his heart pounding away in his chest. Before he could change his mind, he steered his chair around his desk and landed in front of Donna.

"I'm sorry." He bowed his head. "I'm just not good at this stuff. Maybe that's why I didn't bring it up all these years. I already hurt you so much and I don't want to add any more to that."

"There was nothing wrong with your words. Everything about this subject just hurt." Donna hiccuped. She quickly wiped her nose with the sleeve of her dress.

Harvey leaned forward until his knees were touching hers and brushed away a tear on her cheek.

"This mascara is waterproof but nothing can cope with this amount of crying." Donna's face twisted. "I must look like a panda by now."

"You're always beautiful to me," he replied softly.

She gave him a surprised look and he cocked his head in a sorry not sorry kinda way. But he did roll his chair a few inches back so that the contact was broken.

"For the longest time I felt like a mother without a baby," she confessed.

"You are," he protested.

But she shook her head. "No, all jokes with Mike aside, motherhood will always be this exclusive club that kicked me out in the initial trial period and revoked my membership."

"Donna!" he exclaimed looking utterly shocked. "I— You will—" He raked his hand through his hair while he stumbled over his words. "It'll happen." He nodded encouragingly.

"As a man, you just don't understand. Conceiving isn't tied to your age." She rubbed her arms. "I'm nearly forty though, so the amount and quality of my eggs have statistically decreased roughly 40% by now. And that is without considering my one fallopian tube. It does not improve the odds, I can tell you." Then she released a hollow laugh. "And of course let's not forget the men that scuttle away as soon as they find out you are past the deemed regular childbearing age. No one wants to touch that time bomb with a 10-foot pole. So no, I don't think it's gonna happen, Harvey."

She got up and made her way to his couch where she grabbed the one cushion available. She hugged it close to her as a form of comfort.

_I never knew a love like this could ever possibly exist_

_I love you to the moon and back as long as I live_

Her tear-stained cheeks together with her words were breaking his heart.

He got up and walked out of the office to her cubicle. Just like this morning, he opened one of her drawers and fished out the tissue box again. Pulling one out on his walk back, he tossed the box on his coffee table, and then crouched down next to her at the side of the couch.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and dabbed her cheek very gently. "I'm sorry for all men being assholes and not seeing how amazing you are. I'm sorry that you were never able to put our loss to rest. That is definitely on me. But most of all, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to get a new shot at motherhood and you are feeling it is slipping through your fingers." He tossed the crumpled tissue on the table. "Maybe that's on me as well," he mumbled.

He watched her as she pulled a new tissue from the box and tried to clean up some of the mascara mess. "You know," he started and placed his elbows on the armrest, "I'm not pursuing a family of my own." He gave her a knowing look. "But that doesn't mean I didn't think about it over the years. When I was with Scottie, she asked me if I wanted kids."

Donna flinched a bit. She had assumed the one person he might have had that conversation with was Scottie, but to have it confirmed stung more than she had anticipated.

"I had to tell her no. And that was not because I think I make a shitty dad and think the concept of playing happy families is a farce."

If he noticed her furrowed eyebrows, he didn't let on. He let his head rest on top of his arms.

"It is what I led Scottie to believe. I didn't want to share. In reality, it is because I don't want to try again. It's been all those years and I'm still so attached to Mae. If I were ever to have kids, I just want her."

His voice unsteady as he spoke, he needed to swallow a lump before he dared to lift his eyes up to meet hers.

She stared back at him utterly perplexed. Blinking rapidly to keep fresh tears at bay.

He reached over the armrest and covered the hand in her lap with his. She unfurled her fingers and let his slip around hers until she could feel the heat of his palm pressed against hers.

"I think about her." He tightened his grip around her fingers. "More than you know."

She forced a smile. His confession gave her a form of solace she hadn't expected to feel. "There is no other option than her being Mae right?" A slight wobble in her voice as she spoke.

A small chuckle escaped him. "Are you kidding? There is no way anyone would have enough mercy with me to let me get away with anything but a girl. Mountains of pink, dresses, bags, maxed out credit cards, and enough attitude to put me in my corner. My punishment for being a cocky jock and lawyer."

"You think you'd have become a lawyer still, if—?"

"I'd like to think so," he mused.

"I can't imagine us having a 20-year-old at this moment." She shook her head. "Then again, they hand out softball scholarships now."

"Harvard's softball team is ranked 3rd in the country," he quipped.

She squinted at him. "How do you even know that?"

"I just do," he mumbled.

And suddenly it all came crashing down. Where just seconds ago, the idea of Harvey still being so occupied with their loss felt soothing, all of a sudden old feelings resurfaced and she was left feeling highly inadequate.

She bit her shaky lip. "I— I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I lost her." She covered her face with her hands but it didn't hide the steady stream of salty tears flowing down her pale cheeks. "I don't know why I couldn't keep her safe." Her lower lip quivered. "I hate myself. Why couldn't my body just do what it was meant to do? Why wasn't I enough?" she sobbed. Her throat felt swollen and she stuttered as she tried to speak. "I know I— I was just 17, but I would have loved her to the moon and back. Isn't that— is that not enough?"

Her vision was blurred by tears by now and she missed Harvey quickly wiping his nose with his fist before reaching up and tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "YOU are enough, a million times enough," he assured her in the steadiest voice he could muster. His hand under her chin, he angled her face towards him and forced her to look at him.

She barely lifted her eyes up to him. Feeling too guilt-ridden, too raw, too bare.

His thoughts didn't go beyond 'you always have been and always will be enough'. He inched forward, when Donna averted her eyes to the table and leaned over to grab Harvey's glass, still there with most of its contents in it. While her chest was still heaving with sobs, she knocked it back in two big gulps.

He quickly retreated back to his crouched position on his side of the armrest. Donna plonked the glass back on the table and the sharp sound made Harvey wince.

He pursed his lips but didn't mention that this was a double old fashioned glass from _Diamond Point_ and was part of the set his father had bought for him when he had won his first big case at Pearson Hardman.

"It changed me forever." She wiped her wet cheek with the back of her hand. "Our baby, the aftermath, it's like a volcano erupted and everything got covered in hot lava. The person I had been, was gone and it took a long time for the new me to emerge from the ashes."

Harvey bowed his head. He identified with her words more than he was willing to admit to himself today. Maybe he'd have enough courage to dredge up that sentiment another night.

"People say 'I'm sorry for your loss'. But they don't actually understand what you've lost. I've lost my baby. I've lost the ability to be excited about a pregnancy. I've lost trust in my body, in hospitals, and in statistics. Most of all, I've lost faith in myself, and in the future. If I may ever get to the point of being pregnant again, I will have to admit that is my second pregnancy but my first baby. There is that hovering ghost and no child will fill that gap. Nor should they have to. It's too much weight for a tiny person's shoulders. But you know, that's okay. This baseline of sadness tells me just how high my heart can soar. Mae will always be my favorite what if."

Harvey took a deep breath. "You—," he started but he was interrupted by Donna getting up from the couch.

She scanned the room. "I'm totally exhausted. I should head home." In the corner, she grabbed her purse from the lounge chair.

"Yeah sure, you should get some rest, yes." Harvey's knees cracked when he got up.

"I'm sorry, you were saying?" Donna balanced on one foot while putting on her heels.

"Huh?" Harvey looked bewildered as he opened his laptop.

"Just now when I interrupted you. You were going to say something."

Donna stood in the doorframe. He let his eyes roam over her body. Cheeks wiped clean, skirt straightened, hair neatly arranged over one shoulder. Ready to face the outside world.

"Nothing important. Get home safe. Goodnight, Donna." He sat down, ready to bury himself in work to stop feeling whatever he was feeling.

She bobbed her head. "I appreciate this night more than you know. "Night, Harvey."

He watched her frame disappearing in the distance of the hallway. When he was sure she rounded the corner, he closed his laptop and stared at the skyline. " _You_ will always be my favorite what if," he whispered into the darkness.

_I knew you before I knew your name_

_I loved you before I saw your face_

_I longed for you for all of that time_

_and I'll keep your heart in mine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper "I'm fine." Tears have been converted to words to a story that says everything that I couldn't. I hope that while trying to capture the essence of this kind of loss, I haven't lost the essence of our beloved characters.  
> Please consider leaving a review if this story struck a chord with you. It is so very much appreciated.  
> Although Stefanie tells me not giving happily ever afters is my trademark, I'll try to make the next one more uplifting.


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